End of March Madness

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality.
— Albert Einstein

edacious \i-DAY-shus\, adjective:
Given to eating; voracious; devouring.

I got off with phone with Justin not too long ago. It’s the first time we’ve really talked at night, and unique in the sense of conversation. I told him about my conversation with with Steph, and he told me the secret which she couldn’t tell me (because they had agree not to talk to their mutual friends about). I pretty much had guessed it though. It’s more than that as she really made the point that he was a person in denial, and showman that wasn’t true to himself. This whole week has been about people I know being messed up, and learning more about them. I learned a couple things from him tonight. Nothing I didn’t really know before since he is pretty much messed up by his ex girlfriend, and how there may be some denial going on. He kept talking about his issues for an hour. See, this is why I stopped talking to Steph over the phone last winter; she would always be so into herself. She is so messed up; both of them are. It just shows me that everyone I know, including myself, are messed up in uniquely different ways.

After the call, I realized that this guy is someone that will never know me. I think a lot about how people don’t see me the way I want them to see me. Still, some people, especially my guy friends I realize, just don’t ever think like that. I’m not saying there won’t be a guy to come along and conceptualize me in that way, but none of my guy friends will. They aren’t there for that. I mean with Justin, I like that he talked to me tonight. I love it when people trust me and that I could be there for them. This was why I had such a good grade eight year. I was trusted, I was talked to, and I was a source for that. No one knew me then, and no one really knows me now. I am a chameleon. I’m okay with that. I help, and I’m there. I don’t balk at the face of their pain, and I stay strong for them. It’s another thing to stay strong for myself though. Alexandra said this is character, and I guess it is. Maybe I do know myself a little because of this. I reveal a bit of who I really am when I am there for others.

These past couple of weeks have gone by fast. I really can’t believe I saw Coldplay two weeks ago today, and how happy I was when I saw them. Last friday, I sent off that application and went with Alexandra A lot has happened since then with the conversation with my mother, with Stephanie, and with Justin today. Not to mention my talks with Alex, and my observations of my time with Mike yesterday. This week isn’t even over. I have the big get together with all the gang tomorrow night. There probably will not be an entry.

I had to walk a lot today as I made two library trips. I’ve walked around a lot this week. It is how it should be. I am a walker, and this did keep me in shape in high school. I weigh more now than I have ever in my life. I just want to take my early morning runs and do yoga.

I told Alexandra yesterday that it’s been a pretty dramatic week in terms of messages from people. I was worried about these people, and I was a bit helpless of course. But I’m not so attached or crazy like I said which is why she made the character remark. I wouldn’t have been able to handle this sort of thing a month ago or even two weeks ago because I couldn’t have the calmness to receive it like I did this week. Spring has sprung, and I’m a lot more mellow at this moment in my life. Poland may not work out, but that means I get contacts sooner and go to England next year. Summer is coming, and I just want to do the good things. I want to learn, and I’m glad that someone up there is giving me the chance. I’m more grateful nowadays than when I was a few weeks ago, and that is a good thing.

May I have a good time tomorrow night.

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