Long and Short Week

Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.
– Shakti Gawain

renege \rih-NIG; -NEG\, intransitive verb:
To go back on a promise or commitment.

Finally, I finished reading Of Human Bondage. The book took me a week, and I feel it took me longer than War and Peace, which is twice the size. The ending was worth the rather depressing and slow middle and bulk of the story. I didn’t know if I could say it was worth reading when I was in the middle because it was quite angsty. The ending was nice, and it gives me hope. This book and The Alchemist show that, more than ever, the books I read are paralleling my life as I read. This week has been rather weird, beginning and end. The middle was average though.

I spent most of yesterday alone and most of the night with others. I was paranoid my parents were going to catch me skipping work. I went to Planet Coffee for a chai latte and loved the coffee shop soundtrack as always. I walked in the heat for some West African barbecue chicken and plaintains. The chicken was charcoaled so well, very nice, but I really liked the plaintains the most: sweet, brown, moist and just wonderful. Afterwards, I called Alexandra and walked back to the core of downtown to go to a The Tea Party where I had some Chamoile Rooibos. It was delightfully orange, and I should go back to that place often. I love tea. I met up with Alexandra and a couple of her friends at the library. They left, and not long after, I went to Church because the library was closing. I planned to go anyway. Mass was ending when I got there. In Church, I was reminded of my memory in the chapel of the Black Madonna. I remember how much I cried, and how it was the first time I really cried on the trip. I teared up several times afterwards, but did not break down until Majdanek. I wanted to cry in Church thinking about that time in the chapel with the people singing to Our Lady. There was such an unbelievable amount of energy in there. I went home soon afterwards. Mother did not suspect a thing.

We went clubbing. Our worries about rain were naught. It did become very cold and frigid when we left around 1AM. I drank less than I thought. I had an Apple Colada, and a bit of a martini. I had ridiculous expectations for the night even though I was not looking forward to it as much in the last couple of days. I tried to expect the worse, but it was too late. Justin joined us, and then his Conservative friends. Liz, Emma, Annie, and I ended up partying with Young Conservatives; that was not to be expected. We danced. Many people don’t like clubbing so much as the dancing. We went to a good club, clean, professional, and good venue. The music was sometimes really good, sometimes okay. It took me longer to get bored than before I went to Poland. I can’t relive that night in Warsaw; it was catharsis. I was stressed, feverish, and probably displaying abnormal energy. I realized how much I liked to dance that night. We were out at 2AM to 3AM. I was out from 9PM to 1AM. Everything here closes at 2AM which seems early to me even though I did not stay. I only felt tired after we left. I realize how desperate I was to have attention on me. It’s horrible. I was not lonely for a couple days this week, and then yesterday, I felt so conscious of my solitary nature that I easily became lonely. I wanted someone to flirt with me. I wanted to flirt back. I didn’t want a relationship, I wanted attention, and I’ve never gotten that in this city. I only got it in Warsaw for Pete’s sake. I was oblivious to it too. It wasn’t entirely sleazy either. I can’t relive that though as I’ve said. I did not last night. I wanted to go to another club, the other girls were not into it. We left the Conservatives. Emma, Liz and I had jested who would get hit on the most. Emma actually did on New Year’s Eve. The night was Liz’s, and she wore a short skirt too so we teased her as the one. None of us were hit on except Annie who seems to attract the brown conservatives. Her ex, Justin, and this other brown conservative. I take Annie’s attraction for granted because I’ve known her since we were 12, but she is by evidence, the most attractive girl in the group in looks and disposition. A lot of her drama is due to the guys that are attracted to her, but she can not like back. I found no one at the club particularly attractive except I shamefully watched one of the bouncer’s responsible for the dance floor. We had danced close to him, and I watched him from the lounge. My interest in him was only because he is one of the tallest guys I’ve ever seen. He was a blond and nearly seven feet tall. His height made me stop for a moment. This says a lot about how desperate I was for attraction and attention because he was not ugly, but he looked rather dim witted as well. The poor thing looked very bored and yawned quite often as he could not dance or socialize. I really should stop this ridiculous notion of anticipating or desiring for attention and attraction in any social situations. I went from high to low. I’m rather disappointed in myself. I told Alex about it after the party today, and I was so annoyed with myself. I had descended quite quickly from Monday.

I slept hard due to the long day and probably the little amount of alcohol I did have. I really wanted some Carlsberg last night, but never got around to it. This summer has made me into a beer drinker which was unexpected as well. I woke up to a rainy Sunday. Alex had to move her party into her apartment. It also unexpected. People were mostly open. The time flew by quickly. Sandy and I were left alone together in the end, and we discussed the weekend. It had been hard for her as well. For a lot of people apparently, it’s been a crazy week. It’s the end of the summer, and I think summers are harder now as the years go by. She and I felt quite jaded. I don’t know what the end of the week will be like. I’m so tired right now. We both toasted each other with the Spanish Rose wine across her messy long table. She walked me and the things I brought home. Mom invited her in, and she ended up staying for dinner. I did not eat much as I had no appetite really. Sandy has never stayed for dinner. We talked for awhile longer, and I showed her my burgeoning postcard collection. I am very glad to show it to someone finally. It is growing quite wonderfully. I think the evening ended well for us. As we talked in my kitchen and looked at the cards, I became less dejected saying I had indeed learned a lot this week. I am still ridiculous in the matters of attraction and romance, but I reaffirmed truly that goals and dreams do not work out for a reason. The future is truly uncertain that way, and I may not be happy in those places than I am here. I must view my social and romantic life like this. That has proved the hardest part this weekend, but I am hopeful. The book’s ending had similar philisophy, and I took great pleasure in reading and finishing it this evening after Sandy left.

I am horrified to say that I have only read two books this month. I want to work into September, but I really cannot say how much longer I can last at the mundane place.

Things must be taken day by day, and dreams must be kept.

We cannot expect too much of them though.

21/08/06 12:20AM

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