Expectations

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.
— Euripides

acquiesce \ak-wee-ES\, intransitive verb:
To accept or consent passively or without objection — usually used with ‘in’ or ‘to’.

Yet again, I am reading a book that can relate to themes in my life. On Wednesday I started reading Self-Made Man. My reading habits have changed this summer as my schedule has caused me to read in the long term rather than my usual and preferred short term bouts. In any case, Self-Made Man is a book I got after seeing the author Norah Vincent interviewed on my beloved The Colbert Report. Vincent becomes a man and submerges that world for the book. The book is as interesting as the premise, and I find her particularly introspective. I’ve just finished the chapters on Sex and Love. My issues of the opposite sex in relation to myself are reappearing of late, and I am learning a lot about myself these days.

The author makes the point that women expect too much from men when they are approached and they do prejudice them because of past experiences. I plead the fifth on the former, but not enough on the latter since I have little to no experience in dating. I expect too much from the guys I meet because I am a dreamer and romantic. This is what some would consider naive, and this is something I cannot help because this is who I am. Last night, I held myself better than I would have ever done in high school, but I still expected too much. I wanted to find him annoying, and I wanted to be apathetic. I did this partly because this is a woman’s flaw I guess if the book is right, and on my own personal level, I needed to find flaws so I would not give away my attraction. So with my own mind games against me, I still can’t say anything other than the fact I am desperate for male attention. I think it’s quite easy for me to be platonic friends with guys because I’m obviously not initially sexually or physically attracted to some of them. Even the ones I have been have turned out rather irritatingly. To this, I am working to forgive myself.

A lot of this is about learning to not be so hard on myself when I do find myself attracted to new men. In social situations, such as clubbing a couple weeks ago, I really want to flirt and attract someone. In my desperation, I find the seven foot bouncer attractive. I was hard on myself, but I realized that this is very natural and if I don’t hate myself about it so much, it’ll pass. I’m doing much better on that as a whole, but I still need to learn not expect much from men. I attach too easily to the ideas of romance, and I get disappointed and annoyed when I know I can’t. Last night was a good test in that way because I’m not too much of either. I’m going to distract from my thoughts about the event. I will try to take decently attractive guys as they are and not find them attractive. I have to work on the self-conscious thing even though my fun side came out a bit last night when we were learning the steps.

All of this do give me an indication about why the universe has not thrown an affair my way. I’m accepting of that more than ever.

I quit my job today.

Hello, September.

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