Mom asked me yesterday, “Are you afraid that you won’t be able to find a job after you graduate?”

I said nothing. We were wrapping won-tons, and I was too tired to be truly angry. I was not pleased with the conversation which displayed her perpetual paranoia about the world.

My life is more than money or jobs. What I’m more afraid of is being in a job that does not allow me to live to my potential. I am scared of being the 9-5er who ends up empty because their job does not make them happy. I am afraid of being stuck, of not growing, of not living.

These days I’m trying to not worry too much about that. I have resisted dreaming too much about the future; it’s tucked away at the back of my brain. The only thing I can do is live in the now and take it one day at a time.

The present is living.

No, I won’t live the way I do when I get married. You don’t even want me to date as it is, why should I be thinking of being married? Oh because it’ll prove to you much I’ll need you then, how grateful I will be for your “teachings” over the years.

She hates it when I bake. She dislikes it when I see friends. She dislikes it when I’m on the internet. She can’t stand that I knit and have yarn. She always talks about how hard it is to survive in the world.

Maybe I am crazy, but I honestly don’t think that I’ll end up cleaning toilets if I stop knitting and focus on school.

She wants me to be something I am not. I will never be the Perfect Daughter no matter what the hell I do.

I want my own place, I really do.

There was this other subplot not including those two that involved the MRH trip people.

Even if I was in love with W in real life (won’t ever happen since we don’t know each other), he’s the one person I just wouldn’t marry. Have an affair with, possibly have a love child and angst over our love, but a real marriage? No. He did look nice his black suit.

Who knows what will happen. I say yes, they can talk behind back as they do with everyone else, so it doesn’t matter in the end. I start summer school this week, and I’m just trying to take it all one step at a time. In fact, I’m not even preparing for school this week. I go on Wednesday and that’s it.

Before work, I spent some time today watching the Diane & Me Concert that the two Princes organized. It’s very odd because as a Canada Day, we sucked in comparison. It was 10′C for most of the day, and there was no one at Parliament Hill by the looks of the CBC. I wanted to be in London more than anything. But what else is new? No, seriously, I’ve really made progress in the last few months of accepting that is not where I am headed after I graduate in the spring. Where am I headed? No idea. Vancouver at this rate. I’ll try to make it out there.

I am freaked out by my grades. I don’t look at them. As long as I am in good standing I am fine. I feel so pressured. I still get stressed even though I know this isn’t my life.  I am more than my grades. It is the system. Grades are you. It’s subjective and so much more. Life is more than school, grades, a job, the things they sell, it’s darker, better, sweeter, more bitter and just more beautiful than that.

It has been misanthropic for me these days. I’m not as inspired so much so I’ve given up on 365 for now. Maybe for good. It was really difficult. I don’t want to show my face so it made things harder for myself. I was tired of it being an almost chore at the end of the day. I need to use the camera more. The weather has been crap today.

Stephanie and I talked a lot after class at her place which got me in trouble with Dad.

I did pilates and yoga yesterday. It was wonderful. The Pilates was a great warm up, and the stress relief yoga just felt so good. When I was falling asleep last night, I was incredibly conscious of my breathing and the rise and fall of my body with it. It helped me fall asleep I think. In any case, I marveled about how at one I was with my body like that. It’s so rare. I need my body to feel like that more often.

Additionally, I went offline earlier than I usually did yesterday, read, got a call from Sandy where we laughed a lot and talked of Star Wars, and read more Neverwhere. I was late for my morning class, but not very. It was good to read again and to be away from the computer. I love Galahad, but I love reading.

I want more.

Oh goodness. I love this whole holidays laziness thing, but I feel so unfit. I haven’t done yoga in months. I ran in the summer time, and I liked it. I hate the gym. I need to really learn to get back to yoga and do some more exercises at home. At least I can get some flexibility exercises in, and if I get a Pilates DVD I’ve wanted for ages, that will help too.

Elizabeth caught me online and said she was going to exercise because she ate so much today. I felt like such a fat bum. I have been online all day watching Torchwood and not even reading! Elizabeth is in the best shape I’ve ever known her. She’s gorgeous, finally realized that Toronto is a shopping haven and is still a Dean’s List BioTech student on her way to becoming a doctor. It makes me envious. Also, I can’t get over how she called me cute the other day. Oh goodness, that irritates me so much sometime. I guess I take it for granted how much of a compliment it can be, but I still have gripes over it. My image of myself is somewhat cute and adorable, but more. MORE!

Seriously, I don’t like going to the gym, but if I want to do strength training at all, I should. I can procrastinate my cardio until snowless weather, but at least I enjoy it and it can be proven that I do it.

Off to bed early so I can wake up early for yoga.

It did not take me long to dream about Galahad after last thursday. In the dream, I had won a raffle and an evening with him. A lot of the dreams last night made no sense, but we went to dinner. We shared a chair; it was odd. I sat in front of him between his legs, and we were close as we talked. We also sat in two different chairs and talked about the other night actually. Then Stephanie and Jessica from school appeared out of nowhere and ruined my night. Given, I have been thinking about him lately. I thought about him yesterday. When I was in high school, I thought he was so unreachable. I do think he is, but I use to be in such awe of him that I couldn’t conceive of a real physical relationship with him. He was angelic and almost holy. It was odd because he is the most unreal person sometimes in terms of being so beautiful. I’d be happy just to be his friend honestly. The other night showed me how I’ve changed because I feel the same and possibly want him more since I can imagine it now. Not that it would ever because last thursday was a bit of a fluke really.

It is sad to be faced with the fact it can never be. The love can never be.

Also, the night before last, I dreamt I lived on a tropical island with a predominantly female population. Everyone wore bikinis. My grade 7 and 8 teacher was there. There were less than ten men on the island. I think I only saw like five of them. The dream was weird and totally nonsensical because all the women were after this one man and he basically slept with almost all the island. Not me of course, but we became friends. It didn’t matter, but it was crazy how much of a sex god I dreamed about. Of course, this pissed off the other men on the island.

Off to figure out my 365 entry for today.

I had one of those losing teeth dreams where I lost all my teeth. Funnily enough, I was lucid again and tried to wake myself up and didn’t work so I assumed I really was losing my teeth. Even though the dreams had detailed plots where I was being pursued and in relationships with three different men who were all polyamourus themselves. Also Ares and Aphrodite showed up and we all definitely lived in some modern kingdom where a bunch of these characters were royalty.

Mom and I went to her work, but before hand, she wanted me to dress up. So I did and looked really nice except no one was at there. Alexandra seems to be MIA, and I hope everything is alright because she told me she had pneumonia yesterday. I watched the Doctor Who season finale this evening; it made me cry. My eyes are a bit tired. I’m going to answer some mail, read, watch a movie, knit, and eat tomorrow. Some of those things may not be done, but not the eating. Thinking about the turkey is making me hungry right now.

This lack of snow just makes me want to move away from here even more.